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The Boy Wander/Transcript
(Opens showing a city planet as the sun rises over it. Zoom in on Wander and Sylvia, sleeping between a put-out fire. Sylvia tosses and turns, before sitting up.) Sylvia: Frab-drassin' ham spangler! I slept terribly. Wander: Anything I can do for you? Sylvia: (Stands up with a severely bent neck) Nah, I...I got six or seven cricks in my neck. It's like my pillow was extra flat last night. (She holds up her pillow, and a feather falls out of it. Wander stares at it in alarm; scene zooms to the feather, playing horrible music in the background.) Sylvia: Wander? Somethin' wrong? Wander: (stagey) No, it's no big deal-io! (He lies back on his pillow, which deflates and plays a fart noise. Wander reaches into the pillow and produces a whoopee cushion; scene zooms to it as the same horrible music plays.) Wander: (emphatically) He's back. (pointing upwards) TO THE LAB! Sylvia: The lab? (Star transition to Wander and Sylvia in a cave; the former examines the wrinkled pillow under a microscope.) Sylvia: It's not that big a deal, mean...pillows get flat all the time. Wander: Exhibit A! (The microscope raises; he shows Sylvia the whoopee cushion. Sylvia: A whoopee cushion? Wander: A message. The calling card of the most villainous villain to vex this or any other galaxy. (He squeezes it at her, causing her snout to become inverted.) Sylvia: Lord Hater? Emperor Awesome? It's not Dominator, is it? Wander: Worse. Someone from my past. Someone who thinks he's good, but is really bad. Good news is, we're gonna stop this bad guy from doing any more bad things he thinks are actually good! (He produces a two tone blue and white striped cape from his hat and ties it around his neck; then he puts his hat over his eyes like a mask, and they light up in his darkened figure.) Sylvia: Since when do you stop bad guys? Usually you sing a song, or...play some silly game to drive 'em nuts. Wander: (Low, scratchy Batman-esque voice throughout) This is no game. (Thunder flashes; Wander stands tall and seriously. The title appears, freeze-frame.) Sylvia: What?! (Star transition to a diamond on display at the Museum of Ginormous Antiquities; a shadow looms over it, and its figure snickers. A hand cuts a hole in the glass compartment and takes it, causing the alarm to go off. Outside, the scene changes to day as the military invistigate, the museum tacked with police tape as the same horrible music is heard.) (Cut to Wander in a flying pose, lying over Sylvia's orbble and making a flying sound. They enter the exibit, and Wander hops off the orbble.) Wander: What's the trouble? (Zoom in.) Snatched statues? (Zoom in closer.) Ransacked rubies? (Zoom in closer to his eyes.) Misappropriated masterpieces? (A pull back reveals he is standing on the museum worker's head.) Museum worker: What? Oh, um...no. Someone just stole the display pillows from our gemstone exhibit. (Cut to the same footage from last night played on one of the TVs in the survelience room, along with the cushion being stolen and replaced with a fake jewel. Wander turns around in the chair he's sitting in.) Wander: It's worse than we thought. Sylvia: (confused) It is? (Record scratches, seriously) I mean, it is! (Dramatic sting plays as Sylvia stares at the camera awkwardly; Wander hops out of his chair.) Wander: I'm gonna need full background checks on all museum visitors. Get me names, birthdays, favorite colors, summer vacation plans. According to the footage, our pernicious pillow pilferer struck at precisely 3:14. Sylvia: So? Wander: 3.14 are the first three digits in the numerical value for pi. (rubbing Sylvia's stomach) Pie is delicious, which rhymes with wishes. (places arms around police hogs) And if wishes were fishes, (spins them) we'd all have enough to eat! I know where he's going to strike next! (Covers himself with cape menacingly) Quickly, old chum! Sylvia: Old chum? (Wander makes a smokescreen effect, then tiptoes out of the room.) Sylvia: (facepalms) Ugh... (follows Wander) (Star transition to some sort of ballroom. Emperor Awesome is seen in the hot tub with two women by his sides, nodding their heads to the music.) Sylvia: Now I get it! Emperor Awesome is sabotaging all the pillows so he can...throw an evil slumber party, and I don't get it. Wander: You have a rather extensive collection of feather boas, do you not? (camera zooms in to his face) Where are they? Awesome: Pshh! Feather boas are so out. Now, it's all about (camera zooms out to reveal a boa wrapped around him) actual boas. I threw those ratty feather ones away. Wander: (checks in trash can, which is empty) Curses. Empty. We're too late. But, he left a message. (Sylvia looks in the trash can to see a chicken. Wander pulls himself up.) Sylvia: Wander, wait for me. (sees Awesome wrapped around in a boa) Awesome: (stands up) What's your hurry, Becks? Sylvia: Oh, gross. (uses an orbble to travel up) (Awesome hisses at the snake, which slaps him in return.) (Star transition to a planet with Lord Hater on it.) Hater: AAAAAHH...HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Despair, citizens of Cluckon! Your inevitable domination is... gaaaah! (Camera shifts to show a bunch of chickens with all their feathers plucked. They're all covering their privates in embarrassment.) Hater: Aw, gross! Peepers, I can see their nuggets! (Cut to Wander soaring in the air above Sylvia. They arrive on the ground.) Sylvia: Ah, finally. A villain I can sink my fists into! Wander: Not so fast. Sylvia: Oh! Come on! It's Lord Hater! He's like the definition of "bad guy"! (Wander whooshes while walking over to a chicken, and pluck one of the chicken's feather.) Chicken: Go away! Wander: And yet, he's small potatoes in the baneful broth of the real villain's (camera zooms in to his face) gumbo of repugnance. Sylvia: Gumbo of... okay, that's it. I am sick of the grim and gritty routine, and getting dragged across the galaxy for some missing pillows, frilly scarves, and pluck Cluckons! It's not that big a deal. I'm not moving until you tell me who we're up against. (A loud sound is heard.) Wander: Him. Villain: (offscreen, amplified) Attention, galaxy! My foul plan is almost complete! (The villain's machine is seen flying around controlled by balloons.) Villain: (offscreen, amplified) Prepare to face the wrath of the mischievous (camera shifts to reveal his face) Dr. Screwball Jones! (Scene zooms to him, playing the same horrible music; he scratches the side of his face. Cut to the bored Cluckons watching outside.) Screwball: (offscreen, amplified) Now, tremble in eggs-cruciating terror as my latest plot leaves you shell-shocked! Behold, my fantabulously fantabulous tickle machine! (camera zooms in on the tickle machine) Sylvia: (to Wander) This joker is who you think is the most dangerous villain in the galaxy? Hater: (distantly) He what?! Wander: Of course. He stole all those feathers in order to create a weapon that would make everyone laugh, thus forcing the universe to be happy. Sylvia: Isn't that like your whole deal? (Zoom in on Wander's eyes.) Wander: I only present the positive path. I don't force you to follow it. (Screwball shoots the Cluckons, Lord Hater, and Peepers with his tickle machine.) Hater: This....is-is kinda fun. In a baby way. Ha-ha! Okay. I get it. (The Cluckons, Lord Hater, and Peepers laugh.) Hater: That's enough. All right, it's getting annoying. Quit it. (laughs) Stop! (continues laughing) Please make it stop! This is the worst thing that's ever...(continues laughing) happened to me! (Commander Peepers laughs uncontrollably.) (Cut back to Wander and Sylvia. The tickle ray hits the ground as Wander dodges it. He then make an orbble around Sylvia.) Sylvia: I guess this is no laughing matter. Get it? Because of the- great, now he's got me doing it. (The ray fires at them, making the orbble split into half and Wander gets inside it.) (Cut to inside of Screwball's ship. He laughs evilly. Then, an explosion occurs behind him. Sylvia stomps her foot.) Sylvia: Hey, Chuckles. I've got a punchline for ya! (Raising her fist) Screwball: Then you'll need a set up. What's worse than a tickle machine? Sylvia: Literally anything. Screwball: Wrong! (produces another tickle machine) Two tickle machines! (Screwball fires the ray at Sylvia. She doesn't appear to feel anything at first.) Sylvia: Uh, please. Too bad I'm not ticklish, except for behind my knees! (falls down to the ground and laughs) Holy somatosense, Wander! This is awful! He is a monster! (continues laughing) (Screwball laughs maniacally. Then suddenly, the lights go off.) Wander: (offscreen:) Knock knock. Screwball: Who's there? Wander: (offscreen:) Orange. Screwball: Orange who? (The spotlight opens, revealing Wander is behind Screwball.) Wander: Orange you glad I didn't say banana? (Screwball fires the ray at Wander, who dodges them. Then he jumps and lands in front of Sylvia, who is still laughing uncontrollably.) Screwball: No need to split, you might find this a-''peeling''! (Laughs) ''Get it? 'Cause you said banana back there. ''(Wander takes the star from his hat, then throws it at Screwball's hand, knocking the gun away. The star returns to its original spot.) Wander: What's the matter? Seeing stars? Your noxious novelty nightmare is over, Dr. Jones. Screwball: 'Why do you continue to resist me? After all, we both want to spread joy throughout the universe. ''(produces his accordion and starts to play polka music.) '''(Song: Let the Pun Fit the Crime) Screwball: '''Hey there, let's have some fun, Join my good-time gang, Just one question first, Rhubarb or meringue? We'll make folks happy through the land, Have them howling on their knees, So, my little orange friend, Lend a hand if you please. Hey, don't look so shocked, Ain't it 'bout the time, To let the pun fit the crime? Ha ha! '''Wander: Screwball, you try too hard! Screwball: ' ''Dr. Screwball, if you please, I've got an online PhD! 'Wander: '''Folks should be free to find their happiness, You can't force 'em to have fun! '''Screwball: '''Sure, I can. Watch this! Accordion! ''(Screwball uses his accordion powers to fire at Wander, he dodges them. Then, Wander pulls out his banjo.) 'Wander: '''Banjo retort! ''(Wander uses his banjo powers to fire back at Screwball. Screwball runs, but the ray keeps following him. Green rays come out from everywhere, trapping Screwball. The upper part of his hat gets shot.) '''Screwball: '''Hey, you're pretty good. '''Wander: But I think that we both know, (Cut to a close-up shot of Sylvia laughing uncontrollably. Her laugh overlaps the next line of the song.) Wander: It's time to let my Sylvia go! Screwball: Never! (Screwball uses his powers again, along with Wander. They have a showdown, which gets much more intense on every bar. In the end, Wander's banjo string breaks.) Screwball: String break! Here's a joke, How are you Just like a lollipop stick? In the end, you're both worn down by the force of my licks! (His accordion powers shoots Wander.) Screwball: 'Ha, ha, ha-ha-ha-ha! Ain't it a laugh, Ha ha ha ha, Looks like the end of the line, So let... The pun... Fit... The... ''(meekly) Crime. '''Wander: (panting) Wait, I got one last pun for you! Screwball: 'Ooh, ooh, lemme guess. You're ending on a sour note? ''(laughs) You snapped your C-sharp, so now you'll B-flat? Ha ha! '''Wander: How about... who's laughing now? (He tosses his banjo to Sylvia, who catches it. She is still laughing uncontrollably. She breaks the jar containing the feathers. The feathers pin Screwball to the windshield as the two escape.) Screwball: (being tickled by the feathers, laughing) This isn't funny! (laughing) I mean, it's kinda ironic, I guess. (Wander and Sylvia escape from the ship in an orbble.) Screwball: Curse you, Wander! (The tickle effect has wear off from Hater, Peepers and the Cluckons. The Cluckons cheer.) (Cut to Wander and Sylvia. Wander's voice is now back to normal.) Wander: (taking off his cape) Boy, what a super day! (hops onto Sylvia's back) Sylvia: 'Buddy, from now on, if you say something's dangerous, I'll believe you. Even if that was the ''stupidest danger we've ever been in. (Cut to Hater and Peepers.) '''Hater: '''What? What just happened? '''Peepers: Well, sir, it looks like once again, the day is saved, thanks to... (Cut to Wander and Sylvia posing heroically.) Peepers: (offscreen, apathetically) ...Wander and Sylvia. Hater: Meh. (Screen cut to black.) Category:Transcripts